Stubborn Ol'e Horse

My mind is often so busy I have a hard time forcing it to focus, like a stubborn horse that wants go left when you want it to go straight. It's a constant battle; an exhausting battle. There are days when I simply check out, do everything I can to ignore the chaos in my brain. It's probably why I constantly have 99 unfinished projects and my writing is hit or miss. I just can't seem to rein it in. Do you know what it is like to be frustrated with yourself daily?

Sometimes I feel as if my heart has decided to take over and I can't focus on anything other than what is weighing it down or possibly lifting it up. Funny, the pressure of the weight seems to force focus more so than the joy of it being lifted. Again, like a stubborn ole' horse, the pressure from its riders thighs forcing it into submission. It's a trial, it takes more work and can be exhausting. Yet, if you release that pressure you just might fly across the field, hair flying in the breeze, smile upon your face and the exuberant pounding of your heart matching the pounding of hooves upon solid ground.

You may not know it, but I'm struggling right now to rein my focus in, to write something within this post that makes sense. It's been a bit of a rough week. I've had to find ways to entertain myself so not to dwell on the things swirling around in my brain. I felt God tell me to be silent and so I have been. My mind however, doesn't always want to obey, stubborn ole' horse that it is. In order to force it to obey I had to shut it off, with books, coloring, sleep and making something new. Forcing all my thoughts elsewhere takes a lot of energy. It's exhausting.

There's so much going on in the world, in my life. My husband has been having issues with his sugars lately. He is a diabetic. A new medication made him rather sick. One of my best friends ended up in the E.R. again and is now facing yet another surgery. I'm positive that's not how she wanted to celebrate her 1 year out from a cancer diagnosis. Her gallbladder is a hot mess and it has to go.

Then there's cancer... I'm not sure anyone understands the affects cancer leaves on the survivors physical bodies and minds. Certain phrases are triggers that scare the life out of you. Every little pain or illness has you worried that it's back. Trying to push that away or shut that train of thought off is more difficult than one can imagine. Then you hear of someone whom you thought was doing good. She was going to make it and proudly announce that she too is a survivor - an overcomer but sadly the cancer returned. Her fight is continuing and it doesn't look promising.

No, it's not me, but the fear of it becoming me is there and very real. So is the guilt. You might ask... What? Why? I'm sure you've heard of survivors guilt, that too is a very real thing. One I've had experience with. My son-in-law's stepfather was diagnosed a little before me. I'd forgotten they'd given him two years. I thought he was going to make it. He didn't. Another woman diagnosed in a similar time frame and fighting gallantly, whom I'd thought had won - well it's back and with vengeance as it is spreading through her body. I can easily imagine how tired her body is. How her mind won't be still. I spent a lot of time praying for her yesterday.

I'm worried about her. I don't want to her to lose her battle. Yet, I am not God and I do not know his plans for her anymore than I know them for myself. I don't know the impact her story might have or upon whom. Last night, I remember praying that if it is not God's plan for her to win this battle, if he plans to call her home - that she would come to know him if she doesn't already. She and I have never met. I only know of her. As my mother often says, "Eternity is a long time" and with what we have here being temporary and eternal glory outweighing all these earthly burdens, I simply pray she knows her heavenly Father and can at least rest in that comfort.

In praying for her and ministering to my brother, I find myself realizing I too need to rest in that comfort. I know God. I have a relationship with him, but how often do I lay the chaos of my mind and these earthly burdens at his feet? How often do I seek the comfort of his embrace? I know where to find peace and yet again, I'm like that stubborn ole horse and wanting to go my own way.

It's amazing how praying for others and ministering to others can help one not to lose heart. It can draw them closer to God, deepen their relationship with him. I was once told, "refusing a blessing is preventing that person from being blessed". How true I find those words today. My brother speaks of the terrible burden he is to his family and I feel sorry for him, yet I understand the truth within his own words. He's in jail. He has no money. He relies on his family. If he were not in jail, he'd have no home, no driver's license, no job... he'd still be relying on his family. He would still feel that he is a burden.

Yet, ministering to him, writing to him and putting a bit of money one the books so that we can communicate does not feel a burden to me. It feels a blessing. It feels as if my own faith is building into something stronger, simply by sharing it with him. Praying for an acquaintance battling cancer may cause fears of my own to bubble up inside, but by praying my faith deepens and I am blessed.

So you see how receiving a blessing is in away extending one? Today, I pray we all are willing to accept help, the prayers and ministering of others to bless us because in doing so we are extending the blessing further; filling lives fuller of God's goodness and deepening ones faith.

Be willing to accept and don't let stubborn pride stand in your way.

All my love,

Tonya