The Unsettling Intuition

That erie sense that makes you pause. That knowing that something isn't right. That unexplainable insight.

As a child your introduction to this unsettling intuition was probably in line with the question of, "Why is Mom always right!" How many of us as children hated that? How many of us had the thought, "does she have eyes in the back of her head"? You know at some point you tried to get away with something only for you to get busted by your Mother's uncanny knowing.

Perhaps as you grew, you might have experienced a similar sensation as I. Let's say, I did or said something wrong, fully aware that my mother would most likely know before I was ever even able to tell her about it. As an older child at this point, teenager, let's say. I started experiencing a "knowing" of my own, right in the pit of my gut. That knowing told me, "Girl, you in deep and Momma already knows." I would get sick to my stomache over it. So yes, if something occured - I did my best to inform my Momma first, to ease the ache inside that was trying to swallow me whole.

Fast forward to becoming a wife and mother, myself. Unknown to me, as I grew I developed that unsettling feeling of "something's not right". Which would have me paying closer attention to my spouse or child, depending on the direction the "something's not right" pointed. It resulted in some seriously painful discoveries in my marriage and then through my children's teenage/adult years. But when you know, that you know, that you know...should you just sit back and let it run roughshod over you or should you investigate for the sake of your family and sanity?

In my personal experience, if I do not seek out the uncomfortable, unsettling feeling, it only worsenes. The sick feeling in the pit of my gut simply strengthens to an unignorable level. Have you ever had that? I used to always associate that feeling with something is wrong, possibly bad wrong. I assumed I inherited this "sixth" sense from my mother as she just always knew!

I was a senior in high school, 4 months shy of graduation, when I learned I was pregnant with my daughter. I was in shock. I didn't believe I could have children (female issues) and had convinced myself I didn't want them. I don't remember leaving the doctor's office. I don't remember arriving at work. I do remember sitting at the nurse's station in a daze and being sent home because I could not focus. Once home, I cried, soaked in a tub, talked to a friend and made the decision to go tell the father, my now husband.

While at his house, trying to have this unexpected conversation, his phone rang. Guess who it was? That's right, my mother! Now, here's the real kicker. The first thing out of her mouth when I got on the phone was, "Tonya, are you pregnant?" From there it was what are you guys gonna do and my having to tell her we were trying to have that conversation but she interrupted.

However, as my faith in God grew, I realized this was so much more than a weird inherited thing. It is actually a God given gift and it has a name. DISCERNMENT. That "ick" feeling I get in the pit of my gut is the Holy Ghost saying, "Hey, pay attention". I have often called this a blessing and a curse. Blessing - because you know things you shouldn't that can guide you, protect you and steer you clear of situations or circumstances that you do not need to be a part of. Curse - because you know and it's eating you up inside that you do.

Sometimes I don't like the "knowing" because I simply do not want to be right about it. Sometimes it saves me from forming a connection or friendship that would prove to be a falsehood. Sometimes it has me waiting five extra minutes before leaving the house, or simply driving slower and preventing me from an accident. Sometimes it has me praying my heart out over something. Sometimes it has me putting my guard up. It has saved me more times that not, even on the days I pray I'm wrong about x, y, z.

Perhaps, it is stronger in some people than others, but I imagine if you sit and examine your thoughts/experiences you will find that we all have a touch of DISCERNMENT within us. It is also my belieft that you can grow this God given gift as you do your faith. How? By the light of God's word. This unknowing, this insider information, this unsettling, unexplainable knowing is like a camera lense that needs brought into focus. Once you shine the light of God's word upon it, the image (or knowledge) becomes clear.

While you may not always like it, do not fear the "knowing" - heed it. It's there for a purpose and that purpose is not meant to hurt you or cause you pain. Sometimes it will, but not because of your choice to heed it. You are not and cannot be responsible for the choices of others within your life, be they close or merely acquaintances. Their choices are what causes the pain and hurt, not the listening to the "knowing", to the still small voice of God. Remember, just because you listened, doesn't mean the other party did.

There are several scriptures on DISCERNMENT. I wrote a little something yesterday and compiled some of them. Look them up, strengthen you discerning muscle and let it bring the unclear into focus.

May God bless you and keep you.

All my love,

Tonya